I’m not talking about deserved contempt. If you have earned contempt, then you need to make some changes in yourself. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about unearned contempt.
For example, the contempt of those who leech off you in some way or who demand something of you without consideration. The contempt that is a substitute for gratitude, for reciprocity of good. That kind of contempt.
Also, the contempt of those who attack you without cause, implying that you are not entitled to basic human decency.
And especially, the contempt of those who lie to your face and who, when caught, refuse to apologize.
In short, any contempt that is undeserved. The ones who are contemptuous without due cause make the world a worse place. They are enemies of respect. If they have their way, the world will be drained of all respect. Only contempt, fear and hatred will be possible. Do you want to live in such a world?
When you stop respecting the feelings of people who don’t respect you, you are free from moral dilemmas and double binds. There is no longer a handle by which you can be manipulated. You are immune to moral blackmail.
When you realize that the other has no legitimate claim on you, you can do as best serves you. It is as if he is no longer a stakeholder. This simplifies your problems vastly, making them tractable.
This is not the death of conscience – if your contempt of them is truly deserved. Truth can never harm a conscience. Talk of universal love is a lie. What love promises, truth delivers. And sometimes truth is incompatible with love. When this happens, choose truth, and throw love-ism under the bus.
Undeserved contempt must be responded to, or else a precious part of you – your self respect – will wither and die. It’s just a question of how to respond. Getting visibly angry signals low status. But showing contempt signals high status. In fact, that’s the whole point.
Straw Man Objector: “This all sounds narcissistic.”
Compared to what?
SMO: “Compared to just not caring what people think of you.”
How about what people do to you?
SMO: “That’s a separate question.”
No it isn’t. What people do to you is downstream of what they think of you. Those who look down on you will also dare to do you concrete injury. And if you have any self respect, that should matter to you.
This is why a contemptuous sneer so strongly resembles the look of a predator. In his mind, he is reducing you to lunch.
SMO: “Are you justifying narcissism?”
I’m justifying this thing you choose to call by that name. Which I call self respect, and which I connect to self preservation.
Now… where was I?
We need a mindset. A mindset that helps us stand up to our abusers without unwanted side effects. Try this:
Contempt is the complement of self-respect, when respect is zero-sum.
Inappropriate contempt leads to evil, but inappropriate withholding of contempt passively enables evil. The contempt war is upon you. Choose a side. Choose your side – your legitimate interest.
So much for inward mental state. What face do you show the public? Should you let anyone know what is in your heart? It depends whom you confide in, and why. Only appropriate contempt can save us from irrationality and evil. Call s**t by its proper name so we can have intelligent problem-solving discussions, and so we can get out from under gaslighting. But this only applies between people who are inclined to intelligent problem-solving discussions.
And when you safely can, put the contemptible in their place publicly – or else they will be in the way. You must dominate them, or they will dominate you to your ruin.
Proviso: be wary of humiliating those more powerful than you. They will have you crucified. Humiliate those who are less powerful than they seem. The deluded, the bluffers. Puncture the delusion. Call the bluff. Destroy their sway over the audience – it is based on a sham.
To be blunt: it’s a battle for social dominance, which is about determining the frame.
SMO: “Are you saying we should go about trying to dominate and bully everyone?”
No, I’m saying we should go about refusing to be dominated or bullied by anyone.
SMO: “But it involves dominating and bullying!”
Only in direct retaliation. And that’s reasonable. I make no apologies for throwing somebody’s own s**t right back in his face.
SMO: “If we do as they do, we’re no better than them!”
If we don’t start it, we’re not doing as they do.
SMO: “About this backing off before the powerful. Isn’t that cowardly?”
Compared to what?
SMO: “Compared to calling them out!”
Anything that stupid is no basis of comparison as far as I’m concerned. I’m only interested in viable alternatives.
SMO: “So… just suck it up?”
For the time being. But take comfort in this: power tends to shift over time. It shifts away from the unworthy – more slowly than I would like, but still it shifts. Be patient. And observant. Be the first to notice when the power has shifted in your favor.
SMO: “That sounds an awful lot like… respect.”
It’s respecting the power, not the person currently wielding the power.
SMO: “I don’t see the difference.”
When the power has left him, the difference will become clear.
See also:
The Tolerance Wars part 2: there will be wars – Deep, Dark T
Civility, respect and hypocrisy – Deep, Dark Thoughts
Deep, Dark Thoughts 
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